As a parent you will make mistakes

But now is the time to learn from them

Lately, I have been thinking back on some of the learning opportunities I have had as a father. Lately, I have also been thinking back on some of the mistakes I have made as a father.

In the book, The Son, the author Philipp Meyer (a fictional but interesting story about generational greed) follows a family through several generations from the 1800’s to the 2000’s, in search of more land, blood, money, and oil. The family had a lot but wanted more (see one of my previous posts about our desire for more). But there are some interesting experiences in which the daughter, who you follow through adulthood, talks about her relationship with her father (she also had similar relationships with her kids). In the book, the daughter says, “When I was younger and found my father working in his study I would sit next to his chair and read, or hang around his neck and look over his shoulder, and finally, he would turn and silently kiss me, the signal to leave him alone. That was all he had. A hug and a kiss. Though he would kiss a horse as well, give months to understanding it, more than his daughter.”

Some of Charles Darwin’s kids shared similar feelings about their father as being distant. In a Charles Darwin biography, Janet Browne says “It also seems plain that the children wished for rather more of Darwin's attention than they usually received.” One of his sons felt his father did not give them the time of day. He wished he could have had more time with his father. He wished his father would have put his needs first over his work.

When I was working through my Ph.D., I had this idea that my schooling should be above all else, and sadly, sometimes that included my family. Although I claimed that my family would always come first, my actions belied what I thought - work, when most convenient and easy, came first. When my wife needed to take a kid to the doctor, I claimed I was too busy to be home with the other kids. If my kids wanted to play, “I was too tired from working all day.”

Being a parent is hard. It is tiring. We will make many mistakes as parents, and sometimes they may affect how our kids view us in the future. But, it is how we respond to the mistakes we make that I believe will make us successful parents or not. I want to preface that as a parent I am far from perfect, and the reason I am writing such a thing is because this is what I am probably struggling with the most now.

As a parent, we are going to get a lot of bids from our kids. When we receive those bids how do we respond? Is it a gentle kiss that signals them to leave us alone? or maybe it’s an “I am too tired to play with you right now” response? Or are we good at putting our stuff down and saying, “Yes! let’s go have a tea party.” Lately, I have been struggling with bids and putting myself first a little too often. The sad thing is, if we do not change how we are responding (if we are currently responding poorly) our kids will start to remember and focus on the time we didn’t spend with them.

If you are not a parent yet, you do not have to worry about how to respond to your children. However, if you are like me and have five kids, the requests from kids are almost endless. I have been a poor responder of bids as a father, but I do not want my children to think back on me as a father of someone too busy to play with them or to read with them. I believe by making small changes I can eventually change how they see me. They might even be able to see me as a father who loves them and cares for them (I do love them) while teaching them how to put family and love first.

Something I am going to implement as a father is instead of telling my kids that I am too tired or I do not have time or “I cannot sit on your floor.” I am going to say yes to all of my kids at least once daily when I get a bid or they request something. I think it is so simple, that I cannot fail. To me, it is a small victory for who I want to be as a father and as a parent. I can even practice the same thing with my wife.

What positive change (make it small) can you make in your life that would let your kids know that you are present and that you love them? If you do not have kids, what positive change can you make with parents, spouse, friends, co-workers, and partners that would let you know that you are present and love them? I am sure you have made mistakes in the past, but now is the time to learn from those mistakes. Fix them and make small improvements. Today.